I'm baaaaaaaackkk!

I disappeared, I know, but came back right on time because my diet started today! :) I've been moving into my new student flat with my two friends and we haven't had internet or TV until today! We met yesterday with the Cambridge Weight Plan consultant and my two flat mates have joined the diet with me! They only want to lose about a stone (14 lbs) so I'll be on it for a lot longer than them but I'm so glad that I have two friends suffering with me, especially because the first few days are said to be the hardest =/ So the woman came and weighed us, took our measurements (my waistline is only 36 inches! yaayy! :D I'm gonna be hungry for the next two months. aawww. :( ) and decided to start us on the second stage of the diet because the first part is for people who want to lose drastic amounts of weight. So this means that I get three Cambridge diet "meals" and one small meal a day- all in all I will be consuming 810 calories a day. The point of this diet is to put your body into a state of 'ketosis'. This means that your body is taking in fewer calories than it needs and so it starts burning the extra fat that you have instead- on average you lose 4-7 lbs a week! Eeeeeeee!!! (That was the sound of my excitement hah!) So far today I've had a porridge which tasted like shit but also tasted like weight loss- which made up for the fact that  I hate porridge AND the fact that Cambridge Weight Plan apple and cinnamon porridge is DEFINITELY not the same as the usual porridge you get! It has no sugar in it so it just tasted super salty and ick. I definitely want to make sure I exercise while on this diet too- no way do I want to reach my perfect weight only to find that I have loads of saggy excess skin! I'm just so excited to do well at this diet and go back home and show everyone the new me! I think that's the part that's most exciting about this all- all my family and friends back in Italy are going to be SHOCKED when they see me! Especially because this summer's trip to Houston definitely didn't do my weight any good and I went back to Rome even fatter and self conscious. I went to a house warming party last night and sat on the sofa with my arms covering my stomach the entire time, thinking to myself the whole time that I can't wait until I no longer need to hide any part of myself! LET THE WEIGHT LOSS BEGIN!

Eureka!

So today, while having a look around some other weight loss blogs (I never knew there were so many out there!) I was struck by the fact that all of the blogs that I've found are of women who have had a few children and have struggled to get the weight back off after. I wish that there were someone who was more my age, because I feel like all the other blog writers have a connection with each other in that they are all married with children and I'm just a fat 19 year old.. lol! That said, I definitely found exactly the type of stuff that I've been looking for- and it's always so good hearing that other people can relate to exactly how you feel, regardless of differences in age or lifestyle! I read a blog post from a woman called Lyn called "Where I Was". She spoke about a moment where she saw a picture of herself wearing an ill-fitting outfit and it made her cry, making her decide to lose her weight once and for all. Looking at her before and after pictures, my jaw dropped! She's looking absolutely terrific and judging by the words in her post she's feeling the same way, and that's such an inspiration to me. The past few days I've been worrying about whether I'm going to be able to go through with this diet or not. I have to wait until I'm back in the UK to start it because a consultant from the Cambridge Weight Plan has to come and give me my week supply of food and weigh me etc. but I've found myself feeling sceptical of my enthusiasm for weight loss saying 'let's see how I feel when I'm starving and hallucinating chicken legs as peoples' heads like in the cartoons'. Seeing pictures and reading the words of people who have made that change, who have gone through that struggle of wanting to say 'f*** it, hand me another muffin' and have ignored it because of the good that it will cause in the long run, that's what helps me realise that if it doesn't work it will have been because I chose not to let it work. I need to stop doubting myself and start believing that this weight loss is possible no matter what! Especially when I see the results of people who are working with much higher hurdles than I am- I'm not nearly obese, just overweight and at great risk of developing diabetes and high blood pressure (thanks, genes!). It's time I start ignoring that sceptical part of my mind and start listening to the honest truth- that this can be done!

How do they do it!?

So I always thought that it would be simple to start my weight loss blog- I would start it... people would follow it... and the words of encouragement would come pouring in! Apparently it's not that simple... Because of the fact that I want this blog to be secret to the people that I know in real life (I know, pathetic!) it's hard for me to spread the word about it- it's not like I'm going to post the link in my facebook status and let everyone I know know that I hate myself... especially not when I'm the first to preach the importance of self love to any of my friends who dare say a bad word about themselves in my presence. I feel like being overweight has made me feel like I have to put in ten times more effort into hiding my low self esteem- I have a lot of pride and having been bullied badly in my past I'm not OK with showing any weakness of any sorts to others. Is it because of my excess of pride though, or do others feel this way? How often do we feign indifference to how we look when actually on the inside we'd do anything to change it? I guess this also depends on how supportive those around you are to your weight loss ambitions- my parents, my mum especially, have always made me feel a bit judged because of my size, with my mum often quietly telling me 'enough' in a different language when I would go for seconds helpings at dinner parties. My sister and brother are both fitness freaks, my sister constantly eating healthily and addicted to her exercise regime. My friends, like I said in my previous post, are all naturally slim, and so wouldn't be able to relate to my insecurities about my weight, and as a result of all this I've often felt the need to hide how I truly see myself, which has definitely been detrimental to my weight loss!  Leave your comments (if I ever gain any readers!) with tips on how I can get my blog more well known in the cyber world whilst keeping my true identity secret (super hero style! :P) and on whether any of you can relate to feeling like you have to pretend to be happy with yourselves. 

Here We Go!

So- one thing you should know is that my name isn't actually Chiku. One reason I chose that alias is that it's Swahili for "Chatterer"- that part is definitely true about me! The other reason that I chose an alias at all is that my weight loss journey, though nothing to be ashamed of I know, is still something that I don't really want the people I know knowing all the details about. I rarely show all the insecurities that I will be exposing on this blog, and am far too proud to show my 'weaknesses' as openly as I would like. 99.9% of my friends (which are quite a few people- the fact that I'm a chatterer has resulted in me being quite the social butterfly) are healthy and thin. I've always been the fat friend, the one that never was able to join in with the borrowing of outfits, and the carefree dressing up for nights out. I always had different worries- like whether my dress exposed too many of the fat rolls on my stomach when I sat down, or whether the cellulite on the backs of my thighs was visible even with my black tights on. I've been overweight since I was 8 years old- that fateful summer that my family and I went to the US for the first time and I was overwhelmed (as was my stomach!) by the sheer amounts of candy, fast food, fizzy drinks and general grease that is found in abundance over there. Since then my laziness has kept me from getting back to a healthy size, and now, at 19 years of age, I have come to realise that it's more than laziness- it's fear. If I don't try to lose weight then I can never say I failed, so I've contented myself up till now with 'loving myself' while inwardly reeling from the sheer levels of self hatred that boil up within me every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror while changing. This summer, I've come to the realisation that anything I am unhappy about myself with I am unhappy with because I chose to not change it. I've signed myself up for a diet called the Cambridge Weight Plan, which will be starting on the 20th of September (next Monday). This means that in about a week I will be starting a diet of (nutritionally complete) milkshakes and soups for a minimum of a week, and then slowly incorporating solid foods. The weight loss from this diet is said to be rapid, which I hope it will be, as the reason I have quit so many diets and exercise regimes (other than 'loving myself the way I am') is because I never saw results fast enough, and my laziness often told me to give up and have another cookie seeing as either way I was staying fat. This blog will be a place for me to record my journey- the good days, the bad days, the hungry days! It will serve as my motivation, and hopefully you all following (if my silly diet gains any followers at all) will help to keep me going! It's time for me to change, and to become someone I can say I'm proud to be.